Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Juggler

I have become so much. yet so little contrarily. Im a child on my knees whining to an audience that i do not want. I want more than can be given, and i want to give more than i can. I want to be the audience i so desperately seek to entertain with all the superfluous hoops i leap through to occupy them, and myself into a pseudo reality where i feel almost appreciated. The child in me cries when the slightest things go awry and the elder in me only wants the child to learn and know not to bother. I am a cynic that cant help but point, point at everything that i see. I do not want to be so damn cold anymore, i have laughed myself into a corner, and the paint has been drying faster and faster. I juggle so many things that i just cant control, yet all i do is seek to control them all, which causes them all to drop to the floor, and me to my knees. If i can only just stop trying to please so many people, then maybe i wont always have to be right and on top of everything, and lie through my teeth when im not to show my 'control'. Im a fake and a liar, and i cant stand it. The word is uttered to me and it burns. People who i have associated here in this bubble have been so pretentious and bitter all my life, and maybe that just added salt to the wounds i inflicted upon myself. The second i left i thought all my worries would be scattered to the wind, but i find myself trying to hard where ever i go, even with all my new friends, i feel as though their all entirely strangers to me still because i hide so much from them because god forbid i am vulnerable and not in total control of every situation. Why cant i just understand that i dont need to care about what everyone thinks of me, and trying to get all of them to like me. Juggling so many things only leads to all of them dropping to the floor right? so i shouldn't juggle anymore. I should just focus on myself, where I'm at, what makes me actually happy, my love, and just being genuinely nice to everyone and if they can appreciate me for that, then maybe i can finally stop running and rest.